Should You Make Kids Apologize?

Do you ever “make” your students apologize to each other?

Should You Make Kids Apologize?As a teenager, I decided that forced apologies were stupid and I would never make anyone apologize. (My teenage self  decided that a lot of things were stupid. Stupid was one of my favorite words.) But as a teacher, I have made students apologize, and I probably will again.

For example, back in 2012 I included this little dialog snippet in a story I wrote about my first year of teaching:

“Kaden, you pulled Jennie’s hair. Was that kind?”

“No.”

“What do you think you should do now?”

“Sorry, Jennie,” he says, and with this display of genuine remorse and repentance, skips back to his seat. Lesson learned, right?

Does Apologizing Teach Kids Anything?

So did Kaden learn a lesson? Did it do any good to make him apologize? He doesn’t seem very sincere in this story. But maybe apologizing made him aware, even for a short instant, that his actions might have an effect on another person’s feelings. Maybe it helped him learn a social skill that could help him in the future.

And what about Jennie? Even if Jennie suspects Kaden isn’t 100 percent sincere, she at least knows I’m paying attention and that I care enough to support her.

Although I no longer think “suggested” apologies are out-and-out stupid, I do think they can backfire.

I am NOT sorryAlthough I no longer think “suggested” apologies are out-and-out stupid, I do think they can backfire. I don’t recommend asking students to apologize if:

  • They don’t think they were wrong. In their minds, you are asking them to lie. Either they will feel outrage at how unfair it is, or they will decide that it’s okay to lie to get out of trouble.
  • They think apologizing is humiliating or weak. The goal of an apology is to acknowledge the other person’s feelings, not punish the person giving the apology.
  • They have no intention of changing their ways. Fake apologies can make the recipient of the apology angry and escalate the situation even more.

When Apologies Are Best

Apologies are best when:

  • They are part of a problem-solving discussion, instead of a scold-and-sorry routine.
  • They are recognized as a way to take responsibility for a mistake, whether intentional or accidental.
  • They are not used as a punishment or consequence. Writing an apology letter rarely makes anyone feel better, except the person who assigns it.
  • They do not erase the need for restitution or consequences. If the consequences were necessary before the apology, they are still necessary afterward.

SorryTeaching students to apologize is not a magic wand that will keep them from arguing or bullying each other. But it can be a way to raise empathy and clear the air.

Do you think it’s appropriate to ask students to apologize to each other? I’d love to hear your thought on this topic.

Now go create a great day for yourself and your students!

Katrina Ayres, PositiveTeachingStrategies.com

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How to Work With Parents

Once I was literally backed into a corner by a ranting mom. She yelled and waved her arms while I was trapped with my back to the wall, wondering what to do. There was no one to help me in my isolated computer lab. It was just the two of us. Every time I opened my mouth to answer one of her concerns, she would shout me down. I was finally able to extract myself from the corner and walk to a populated area, but for awhile it was a little scary.

I don’t know any teacher who doesn’t have a parent story or two.

I don’t know any teacher who doesn’t have a parent story or two. There are stories about intimidation, public criticism, lack of involvement, too much involvement, and more. It seems parents can “misbehave” in just about as many ways as their kids. Kind of makes you wonder… could classroom management principles be applied to parents? Let’s take three powerful classroom management principles, and see how they might work with parent interactions.

Clear Expectations 

One of the most powerful classroom management strategies I know is to clearly, explicitly, and systematically teach our students how things work in our class. How can students know what we expect if we haven’t taught them?

Same goes for parents. What do you expect them to do if they have a concern? Make an appointment? Email you? Text you? Write you a note? Is it okay for them visit the class? If so, when and how do they do that? Is it okay for them to interrupt your lesson? How will parents know how their kids are doing? What are your homework expectations? What is the best way for them to team up with you to help their kids succeed? Is volunteer work available in your classroom? If so, how do they sign up and what are the volunteer expectations? Is it okay to come any time, or do they need to be there at a certain time?

The truth is, most parents have no idea how much energy and attention it takes to run a classroom and they can’t understand why they can’t just show up and talk to you for awhile.

When I first started teaching, I offended a few parents by ignoring them when they showed up in the middle of class. Couldn’t they see I was busy? Well, no, they couldn’t, so they decided I must not care about them or want to listen to their concerns. The truth is, most parents have no idea how much energy and attention it takes to run a classroom and they can’t understand why they can’t just show up and talk to you for awhile.

I recommend teaching parents these expectations as many ways as you can. Put them in every newsletter, on your website, in your voicemail message, and in the signature line of your email. Use email and text autoresponders to tell parents how to contact you, and where they can go for information.

Develop Rapport Through Positive Interactions

Another powerful classroom management tool is rapport. When students feel like you care about them as human beings, they are much less likely to act out in class. The best way to build rapport is to learn who they are and share who you are.

Parents like knowing that an actual, caring person is teaching their child.

The same is true for parents. The more you can learn about them and develop a friendly relationship, the better.  When they show up for back to school night, conferences, or class activities, try to learn a little about them before getting down to business. If they don’t show up, use whatever contact information you have to send a friendly message from time to time BEFORE any problems or concerns arise. Some teachers use a family communication journal to help them keep track of when and how they have reached out to parents.

Use your newsletters and online communications to share personal information about yourself, such as favorite sports teams, hobbies, and so on. Parents like knowing that an actual, caring person is teaching their child.

Avoid Power Struggles

The ability to avoid power struggles and remain calm is a critically important classroom management skill. It’s also important in interactions with parents. Parents are emotionally involved with their kids, and are used to making important decisions about them based on their culture, family traditions, and parenting philosophy.  Teachers are used to making decisions about their classrooms based on their professional training, experience, and district mandates. Hmm… I wonder what could possibly go wrong here?

The ability to avoid power struggles and remain calm is a critically important classroom management skill. It’s also important in interactions with parents.

No matter how great you are at building relationships with parents and setting up expectations, conflicts are going to happen, and emotions may run high. If you are feeling angry or threatened, it is best to withdraw. Don’t answer that email until you’ve cooled off. If the parent is there in person, offer to make an appointment to talk about it another time. Pretend you have to get to a meeting, and go where there are other people.

If you are feeling calm, listen first and try to repeat back both their words and their emotions. “So let me see if I understand. You are feeling ____ because ______.” Ask them what they want, and try to meet their needs if possible. Many times there is some sort of miscommunication, and when you listen the problem will disappear. This is another good time to use the family communication journal, so that you can document any agreements.

Do you have a great strategy for working effectively with your students’ families? If so, I would love to hear about it. Please feel free to comment below or email me. I always love to hear from you.

Now go create a great day for yourself and your students!

Katrina Ayres, PositiveTeachingStrategies.com

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