Are Your Students Defiant?

You may have noticed that, upon occasion, students do not do things exactly the way you want them to.

Just the other day I asked a class of elementary students to work on an assignment without talking. Not even one second later, more than half the class started chattering with each other.

Angry TeacherThe heat moved up my neck and into my head. My ears started ringing. I was furious. Not even a pretense at doing what I asked! The disrespect! I was about ready to let them have it.

But then I took a deep breath, a practice I recommend frequently, and asked myself two questions.

  1. Would yelling, blaming, or punishing make the situation better or worse? (Answer: There is no situation that will not be made worse by yelling, blaming, or punishing.)
  2. Had I ever explicitly taught these students MY definition of “without talking?” I knew what I meant, but did the students?

(I know.  Without. Talking. How can you get THAT wrong? But stay with me…)

Since the answer to Question 2 was I had not explicitly defined “without talking,” it was possible they didn’t know what I meant. I decided to give them the benefit of the doubt and teach them.

I got their attention and then in a very quiet, calm, non-sarcastic voice I said, “I’m sorry. I guess I never actually taught you what I mean when I say, ‘without talking.’ ‘Without talking’ to me means your lips are completely closed and your throat is not making any sounds.” And then I showed them what “no talking” sounded like, as well as a few anti-examples, such as talking loudly, murmuring, quietly asking to borrow a pencil, and whispering. And when I repeated my request for them to work without talking, the room was silent.

Why did this work? I think there are two possibilities. Either they really didn’t know what I meant (for instance, they thought it was okay to talk as long as they were talking about the assignment) or they didn’t think I was going to enforce it. By stopping the lesson and making my expectations clear, I took away any excuses and let them know I meant what I said.

Remember that, at times, talking to a young person is like having a conversation in a foreign language. The expectations you bring to the conversation may be different than theirs, and even the words you use may have different meanings. Before blaming the students, try teaching a lesson instead. After all, you ARE a teacher!

Katrina Ayres, Positive Teaching Strategies

Additional Awesome Teacher Nation Resources

Books

  • Create a Great Day for Yourself and Your Students
  • 5-Minute Classroom Management Hints
  • The Take-Charge Teacher
  • All The Ways I Screwed Up My First Year of Teaching
  • The Classroom Teacher’s Coloring Book
  • The Classroom Teacher’s Coloring Book, Volume 2

VideosAwesome Teacher Nation TV videos, including:

  • Why Threats and Punishments Don’t Work
  • Saving Time on Paperwork and Grading
  • 7 Strategies to Deal With the Pencil Sharpener
  • What’s the BEST Classroom Management Strategy?

Online Courses

  • Taming the Chaos: How to Create and Effective Classroom Routine
  • Making Money as an In-Demand Substitute Teacher
  • A Day in the Life of a Substitute Teacher
  • The Substitute Teacher’s Troubleshooting Guide

Gain Instant Access to the Awesome Teacher Nation Resources Library

With Solutions for Administrators, Classroom Teachers, New Teachers, Substitute Teachers, and more

Should You Make Kids Apologize?

Do you ever “make” your students apologize to each other?

Should You Make Kids Apologize?As a teenager, I decided that forced apologies were stupid and I would never make anyone apologize. (My teenage self  decided that a lot of things were stupid. Stupid was one of my favorite words.) But as a teacher, I have made students apologize, and I probably will again.

For example, back in 2012 I included this little dialog snippet in a story I wrote about my first year of teaching:

“Kaden, you pulled Jennie’s hair. Was that kind?”

“No.”

“What do you think you should do now?”

“Sorry, Jennie,” he says, and with this display of genuine remorse and repentance, skips back to his seat. Lesson learned, right?

Does Apologizing Teach Kids Anything?

So did Kaden learn a lesson? Did it do any good to make him apologize? He doesn’t seem very sincere in this story. But maybe apologizing made him aware, even for a short instant, that his actions might have an effect on another person’s feelings. Maybe it helped him learn a social skill that could help him in the future.

And what about Jennie? Even if Jennie suspects Kaden isn’t 100 percent sincere, she at least knows I’m paying attention and that I care enough to support her.

Although I no longer think “suggested” apologies are out-and-out stupid, I do think they can backfire.

I am NOT sorryAlthough I no longer think “suggested” apologies are out-and-out stupid, I do think they can backfire. I don’t recommend asking students to apologize if:

  • They don’t think they were wrong. In their minds, you are asking them to lie. Either they will feel outrage at how unfair it is, or they will decide that it’s okay to lie to get out of trouble.
  • They think apologizing is humiliating or weak. The goal of an apology is to acknowledge the other person’s feelings, not punish the person giving the apology.
  • They have no intention of changing their ways. Fake apologies can make the recipient of the apology angry and escalate the situation even more.

When Apologies Are Best

Apologies are best when:

  • They are part of a problem-solving discussion, instead of a scold-and-sorry routine.
  • They are recognized as a way to take responsibility for a mistake, whether intentional or accidental.
  • They are not used as a punishment or consequence. Writing an apology letter rarely makes anyone feel better, except the person who assigns it.
  • They do not erase the need for restitution or consequences. If the consequences were necessary before the apology, they are still necessary afterward.

SorryTeaching students to apologize is not a magic wand that will keep them from arguing or bullying each other. But it can be a way to raise empathy and clear the air.

Do you think it’s appropriate to ask students to apologize to each other? I’d love to hear your thought on this topic.

Now go create a great day for yourself and your students!

Katrina Ayres, Positive Teaching Strategies

Additional Awesome Teacher Nation Resources

Books

  • Create a Great Day for Yourself and Your Students
  • 5-Minute Classroom Management Hints
  • The Take-Charge Teacher
  • All The Ways I Screwed Up My First Year of Teaching
  • The Classroom Teacher’s Coloring Book
  • The Classroom Teacher’s Coloring Book, Volume 2

VideosAwesome Teacher Nation TV videos, including:

  • Why Threats and Punishments Don’t Work
  • Saving Time on Paperwork and Grading
  • 7 Strategies to Deal With the Pencil Sharpener
  • What’s the BEST Classroom Management Strategy?

Online Courses

  • Taming the Chaos: How to Create and Effective Classroom Routine
  • Making Money as an In-Demand Substitute Teacher
  • A Day in the Life of a Substitute Teacher
  • The Substitute Teacher’s Troubleshooting Guide

Gain Instant Access to the Awesome Teacher Nation Resources Library

With Solutions for Administrators, Classroom Teachers, New Teachers, Substitute Teachers, and more

Working With Parents

Once I was literally backed into a corner by a ranting mom. She yelled and waved her arms while I was trapped with my back to the wall, wondering what to do. There was no one to help me in my isolated computer lab. It was just the two of us. Every time I opened my mouth to answer one of her concerns, she would shout me down. I was finally able to extract myself from the corner and walk to a populated area, but for awhile it was a little scary.

I don’t know any teacher who doesn’t have a family story or two.

I don’t know any teacher who doesn’t have a family story or two. There are stories about intimidation, public criticism, lack of involvement, too much involvement, and more. It seems families can “misbehave” in just about as many ways as their kids. Kind of makes you wonder… could classroom management principles be applied to parents and other family members? Let’s take three powerful classroom management principles, and see how they might work with family interactions.

Clear Expectations 

One of the most powerful classroom management strategies I know is to clearly, explicitly, and systematically teach our students how things work in our class. How can students know what we expect if we haven’t taught them?

Same goes for families. What do you expect them to do if they have a concern? Make an appointment? Email you? Text you? Write you a note? Is it okay for them visit the class? If so, when and how do they do that? Is it okay for them to interrupt your lesson? How will parents know how their kids are doing? What are your homework expectations? What is the best way for them to team up with you to help their kids succeed? Is volunteer work available in your classroom? If so, how do they sign up and what are the volunteer expectations? Is it okay to come any time, or do they need to be there at a certain time?

The truth is, most non-teachers have no idea how much energy and attention it takes to run a classroom and they can’t understand why they can’t just show up and talk to you for awhile.

When I first started teaching, I offended a few family members by ignoring them when they showed up in the middle of class. Couldn’t they see I was busy? Well, no, they couldn’t, so they decided I must not care about them or want to listen to their concerns. The truth is, most non-teacher have no idea how much energy and attention it takes to run a classroom and they can’t understand why they can’t just show up and talk to you for awhile.

I recommend teaching family members these expectations as many ways as you can. Put them in every newsletter, on your website, in your voicemail message, and in the signature line of your email. Use email and text autoresponders to tell parents how to contact you, and where they can go for information.

Develop Rapport Through Positive Interactions

Another powerful classroom management tool is rapport. When students feel like you care about them as human beings, they are much less likely to act out in class. The best way to build rapport is to learn who they are and share who you are.

Parents like knowing that an actual, caring person is teaching their child.

The same is true for families. The more you can learn about them and develop a friendly relationship, the better.  When they show up for back to school night, conferences, or class activities, try to learn a little about them before getting down to business. If they don’t show up, use whatever contact information you have to send a friendly message from time to time BEFORE any problems or concerns arise. Some teachers use a home communication journal to help them keep track of when and how they have reached out to parents.

Use your newsletters and online communications to share personal information about yourself, such as favorite sports teams, hobbies, and so on. Parents like knowing that an actual, caring person is teaching their child.

Avoid Power Struggles

The ability to avoid power struggles and remain calm is a critically important classroom management skill. It’s also important in interactions with parents. Families are emotionally involved with their kids, and are used to making important decisions about them based on their culture, family traditions, and parenting philosophy.  Teachers are used to making decisions about their classrooms based on their professional training, experience, and district mandates. Hmm… I wonder what could possibly go wrong here?

The ability to avoid power struggles and remain calm is a critically important classroom management skill. It’s also important in interactions with families

No matter how great you are at building relationships with families and setting up expectations, conflicts are going to happen, and emotions may run high. If you are feeling angry or threatened, it is best to withdraw. Don’t answer that email until you’ve cooled off. If the family member is there in person, offer to make an appointment to talk about it another time. Pretend you have to get to a meeting, and go where there are other people.

If you are feeling calm, listen first and try to repeat back both their words and their emotions. “So let me see if I understand. You are feeling ____ because ______.” Ask them what they want, and try to meet their needs if possible. Many times there is some sort of miscommunication, and when you listen the problem will disappear. This is another good time to use the family communication journal, so that you can document any agreements.

Do you have a great strategy for working effectively with your students’ families? If so, I would love to hear about it. Please feel free to comment below or email me. I always love to hear from you.

Now go create a great day for yourself and your students!

Katrina Ayres, PositiveTeachingStrategies.com

Additional Awesome Teacher Nation Resources

Books

  • Create a Great Day for Yourself and Your Students
  • 5-Minute Classroom Management Hints
  • The Take-Charge Teacher
  • All The Ways I Screwed Up My First Year of Teaching
  • The Classroom Teacher’s Coloring Book
  • The Classroom Teacher’s Coloring Book, Volume 2

VideosAwesome Teacher Nation TV videos, including:

  • Why Threats and Punishments Don’t Work
  • Saving Time on Paperwork and Grading
  • 7 Strategies to Deal With the Pencil Sharpener
  • What’s the BEST Classroom Management Strategy?

Online Courses

  • Taming the Chaos: How to Create and Effective Classroom Routine
  • Making Money as an In-Demand Substitute Teacher
  • A Day in the Life of a Substitute Teacher
  • The Substitute Teacher’s Troubleshooting Guide

Gain Instant Access to the Awesome Teacher Nation Resources Library

With Solutions for Administrators, Classroom Teachers, New Teachers, Substitute Teachers, and more